sent mail:

To: Luka Lubina Things left unsaid May 5
To: Dr. Al-Azm Thoughts May 6
To: Michael Carrigan Guest Lecture May 7

Things left unsaid
Oliver Lubina <>
to Luka Lubina

It's literally been years since the last time we really spoke, and I want you to know that bothers me. I've had a lot of time to think about things, certain events and people in my life, and I've come to an important conclusion -- you're the only parent I have left in this world. The more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe you've always been the only parent I've had. I know that sentiment seems to discard the impact that my mother and father have had on my life, but they've been gone a long time now. In fact, they've been absent from my life for nearly as long as they were a part of it.

I love you. Everything I've done as an adult can all be traced back to the fact that I've always wanted to make you proud. It is you who has shown me what a 'good' man looks like. It was you who demanded that I be a better human being, and I haven't forgotten that. But I miss you, and I don't know how to make things better between us. If I could go back and change the things that happened to you, because of me, I would -- please believe that I would in a heartbeat. Because if nothing else, I would never do something to purposefully cause you pain. I'm sorry, Luka... and that's all I can say, really. I'm sorry.

I know that you know Stephen and I talk pretty regularly. I'm relieved to know that the chemotherapy and radiation have been successful, and that your remission is in sight. I don't know how yours and Stephen's relationship is right now, but I'm guessing it's as solid as its ever been. I really hope that you're happy together, truly. You both deserve to be happy. And if you two ever decide to make it legal, I would be proud, and honored, to bear witness. Just a thought, you know?

I don't know if you'll read this, let alone respond, but I needed to write it down. I needed to tell you how much you are loved, and missed. Spring is here, and I can't help but think of our annual dogwood walk when I was a kid. The tree outside my apartment is in full bloom, and it never doesn't remind me of you.

Happy birthday, uncle.

Oliver Lubina <>
to Dr. Al-Azm
Hey, doc.

I know I'll be seeing you this week, but I thought it was important to keep you up to speed on what's going on in my life. Honestly, you're the only person I can talk to on a regular basis about my life, and what goes on in my head. No, I still haven't gotten up the nerve to let anyone in yet, but it's a process, right?

I emailed my uncle yesterday, like we talked about. I was as honest with him as I could be right now. It seemed deeply impersonal to send an email like that. I would have much rather talked to him in person, but again -- it's a process. I'm hoping that he'll respond, or at least acknowledge that he recieved it, but we'll wait and see. It made me feel better, though, just to tell him that I loved him and missed him. So, you were right in that regard.

The dream has come back, by the way. It's always exactly the way I've described it -- the rubble, the carnage, the loss. I think my subconscious is still trying to process Syria, which I guess I can understand. It doesn't make the dreams any less disturbing, you know? I've doubled up on my Buspar, and it's really working for the anxiety. I like it much better than the Xanax -- I don't feel as sluggish or unlike myself. I do think we need to change the dosage on the antidepressants, though. I've noticed that they're not working quite as well as they did a few weeks ago. I didn't expect to plateau out so quickly.

Anyway, other than work, I'm still focusing on renovating my apartment, and am in the process of buying the building. I know you said to sleep on it, and I did. But after a few weeks, I decided that it was time that I owned property of my own -- and if it makes my neighbors' lives better in the process, I'm all for it.

I think that's the jist of everything. I look forward to seeing you on Thursday. I hope you have a good week.
Guest Lecture
Oliver Lubina <>
to Michael Carrigan
Hey Mike!

So you remember that favor you owe me? I'm finally cashing it in. I need you to come do some guest lecturing in my combat journalism class over summer term. You will be handsomely compensated, you cheap bastard. I'll even make sure you have lodging.

Hit me back soon, and let me know when you're free and what your demands are. Hope you're staying out of trouble.